I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I mean I’m laying here in bed listening to music and it’s just not doing it for me. Always used to. I don’t even know what to write right now, just feel like i should. Can’t target what exactly is on my mind. But i know it has to do with the future. My mind usually wanders there.

I have no idea whats in store for me in the future and it kinda bums me out. There has always been a time in life often talked about by teachers and guest speakers in school where you can take control of your life for the first time and just “skyrocket to the stars,” but i feel like those times that they were talking about are now. Right now. And that i am wasting these years chasing things that honestly wont help me in the future. I’ve made friends i could never have dreamed of making here in college and i feel like being in college itself is an accomplishment. But what the hell am i doing? I’m a photo major, what does that have in store for me? I love photography and i love the things I’m doing here but never have i once voiced an interest in pursuing photography as a life long career before coming here. I’ve never had a passion for anything really. Except for making ones close to me and those i feel deserving, happy. That really gets my goose. Like I’m a charity prostitute. What i want to do is just fill the void in people, help get rid of the hurt and just show them how much potential they have in them and how they can do the right thing. Right about now I’m being all uppity righteousness but that’s honestly what makes me happy. Find me a job that will pay me to do that and the funds to help me do it. Lets be honest, money makes people very happy. You just need to know how to spend it.

I guess what made me start thinking of this stuff was her again. Talked about her past bf and how she truly put herself into the relationship. Like I’m sure did incredible things to make sure that they stayed together and all he had to do was be himself. I had that once, but it wasn’t enough was it? I don’t know what it is because each time i think about it i miss it so much. The talks, the walks, the cuddling, just sitting next to each other not saying a word but in complete bliss. Those are the things i want, yet why wasn’t it enough? I just couldn’t muster up the testicles to just put as much into the relationship as she did. And i hate myself for this weakness and the only excuse i had is in every cliche romantic comedy movie ever made. And that’s that i couldn’t make the effort because i knew she wasn’t the one. I ruined a perfect relationship because in my heart i loved every part of her, but i couldn’t convince myself that we belonged together. A stupid dream and a fairytale is what ruined a perfect relationship.

That’s what I’m scared about too. I feel like I’ve found another girl who would do just about anything for the guy she’s with and every ounce of me craves that again. And i tell myself i would put it all into the relationship. Just so i could make her happy. And as of right now i would. I would do anything. Yet again there’s that little voice in the back of my head questioning whether or not she’s the one. And i can’t seem to say yes just yet; I don’t know if i can ever.